Be a man, Gary – Brandon Faber

Posted on 09. Oct, 2009 by admin in Brandon Faber

There’s a growing sense amongst the hairy-chested that Gary the Tooth Fairy could do well to take a leaf out of the latest (Hans) Dolph Lundgren book, “Winning like a man in a loser world.”
“The sooner he learns that real men don’t prance around in tutus and make cocktails swimming pool side, the sooner he can get his hands on the prize and get out of there,” they grunt in beer-soaked unison.

“Mhekmhekmhekmhekmhek, Gary. We don’t drink blue drinks.”

Had Gary spent some time in the illuminating company of “The Dolph” he would know three things: How to win fights, how to get the girls and how to (nearly) handle his liquor . . . managing to just win his gamesch after a long day of kicking butt, bedding beauts and drinking with all the menace and intent of a washed-up actor.

Personally I think “The Dolph” never got over that time Jean-Claude Van Damme messed up his hairdo, back in ‘92 when they were both supposed to be “Universal Soldiers”. If memory serves correctly our Swedish stallion had access to even more super-juice than his nemesis yet, still, got his hat handed to him faster than you can shout “thanks for the nauseating pile of pooh, Silversands”.

Frankly I find it disturbing that so many pretty girls showed up to be man-handled by Hans, and on local soil, nogals. All this while Gary can’t land a tooth, never mind one attached to a pretty (morally and intellectually questionable) young thing.

Thankless job being the M-Net tooth fairy, innit?

It’s not all his fault mind you. . . I put it down to an all round poor team effort. How’s the man supposed to get the teeth if nobody’s sleeping – and how are they supposed to sleep if “whateverhisnameis” – the Sandman guy, can’t aim a grain to save his life?
Nah, the madness has to end.

If we allow a guy like “The Dolph” to be the new standard of manhood, and little guys like Gary doomed to forever stand on the sidelines looking in, we may as well start believing that five razor blades do a better job than two, that extra big wings on cars look cool and that stripy gym pants are this summer’s “must haves”.

If it carries on like this we can soon expect “The Karate Kid” to flog lawnmowers on national television, and the cast of the A-Team to open some new mall in a town nobody gives a damn about – between elections, that is.

So… so. To save humanity from the return of long-forgotten-actor-brigade I propose we petition M-Net and allow Gary to get his hands on one tooth. Just one.

That could be the catalyst, the force, the starting point for a series of actions that could set a new course, a new future and hail a new dawn for the survival of the average guy in a world gone macho-man.

The alternative is a summer of watching wrinkly last action heroes have their way with our women – and that’s just not on.

Read more about the author: Brandon Faber